she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
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once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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