But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
