I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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