so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
