she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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