Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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