WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.