remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.