I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You are the jesus of drinking
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
