Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
