This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
