So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
