He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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