good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
