I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
