i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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