in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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