why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
