Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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