Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
