It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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