i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
just tell him i said nine months
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
