He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
