Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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