I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
