I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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