We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
