you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
