I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
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If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
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Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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