Kiss
Puke
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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