im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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