everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.