There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!