First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.