Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
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He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
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I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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