so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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