i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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