And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
