not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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