Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
