apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
