i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
