Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
