we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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