I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
