he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
