my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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