Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
