My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
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He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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