he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
