How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
