wakey wakey hands off snakey
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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