Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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