so let's talk penis.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
