I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
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