Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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