Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
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Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
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my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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