you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
