You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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