4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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