I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
