i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
